The essence of Christmas,  of which we celebrated the first round yesterday, in a few photos.

I get a lot of pleasure from our small garden. This morning, it’s cool and sunny, a perfect time to harvest everything that’s been readying itself for consumption.

I’m not sure what to do with all the basil yet. Dry it, make pesto, make basil hummus…

Last weekend, we managed to plant a whole lot of snow and snap peas. Once all the warm season veggies are done, I’ll plant fava beans as a winter cover crop.

At Mum’s memorial service, Christopher told a story about her ability to hold onto things for years.

He used the example of yarn that she used in an airplane sweater that she knitted for him as a child. She carried that yarn all the way from England, to Barbados, to several houses in Florida all the way to Oregon over the years. And she used those same balls of yarn for the same sweater pattern thatbshe made for his son, her grandson last year.

I now have that yarn in my garage. I may need it for a sweater for my grandchildren…

My story about Mum holding onto things is about her curtain rod. It hung in her bedroom in England. It travelled to Florida, by way of Barbados to hold up her bedroom curtains for years. Then it came to Oregon, where it fit none of her windows, yet she still kept it.

And now? Now it’s in my car, the very last of her things to empty out from her house. It’s clean and vacant in there now. I said goodbye for one last time and shut the door. Time to go home, unload and see if it the blasted curtain rod fits in Berry’s room, where Mum’s curtains, that I made for her from bed sheets, now hang.

The last two days of her life were difficult for us. She rapidly became less able to communicate and seeing her unable to make even her basic needs known was heartbreaking.

On Sunday, we brought her to my house, realizing that it was her last trip, that she wasn’t going back home again. Hospice ordered a hospital bed — which made helping her sit up to drink a lot easier. She ate breakfast that morning — some fruit and a cup of red rooibos tea, shuffled to our house, and went to bed. That turned out to be her last meal.

There are many things I’m grateful for:
Your prayers and loving thoughts.
Being with her and taking care of her with my brother, Christopher.
Sitting up through the night with her, playing reggae music and singing songs, until Christopher sent me to bed for a couple of hours.
Talking with her, letting her know we love her, that we’ll be strong for each other and letting her go.
Putting on Goddess Inside and Another Star in the Sky (my recordings). She took her last breath during Daydream Song.
Knowing that she’s no longer trapped in a dying body, that she’s free, that she has peace.

Some photos from her last couple of weeks.

After Berry and Duncan’s ballet recital on June 4.

At her apartment on June 12.

Saying goodnight to Berry after dinner on June 15.

Hugging a somewhat reluctant Duncan the same day.

Having a rest on the couch on June 18.

Leaving her house in her PJs on Sunday, June 19.

That’s the last picture I took of her.

Watching her during the night, that Sunday, she still looked beautiful. I curled up in bed with her for a while, knowing that soon I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. She always gave good snuggles.

I do wish,though, I had some sort of respectable answer for “How are you doing?” I don’t know how I’m doing. I’m half-here, half-heartbroken. Still stunned. Sad. An inch away from tears. Lost. Torn. Do I stay hopeful and believe in healing miracles? I feel guilty if I don’t.

They say (they = the online resources I’ve been reading) that young children Duncan and Berry’s age believe in magical thinking. They believe that what they think and do makes things happen. Well, so do a lot of us adults, especially the ones who have a metaphysical bent.

Mum’s cancer is in her liver and lungs. There’s lots of it. She looks quite normal on the outside, but the scans of her innards tell another story. It’s still mind boggling to me.

Here’s Mum and Berry after the kids’ ballet recital on Saturday.

Working from home with 4 excited kids in the house is challenging. But how often do we get snow days in mild Eugene?

It was the perfect snow day. Big, fluffy flakes of sticky snow fell on and off all morning. The world was white and pretty. Then a small horde of children built a fort and had a terrific snowball fight.

They came in cold, with sopping wet gloves and bottoms. I stripped them off, they warmed up, and moved onto art projects, workbooks and Minecraft. The sun came out and melted all the snow away.

Work today was something of a relief. The ordinariness of a quiet office. Concentrating amidst laughter and negotiation of kiddos, getting them dressed for the cold and staying occupied throughout the day was a nice change, though.

Ballet classes
Duncan and Berry are taking ballet. Choosing their outfits was lots of fun (for them).

Berry wore hers all day.

Berry continues to love ballet and Nanny reports that she smiles widely through the entire class. Duncan…he says he’s getting bored because they do the same thing over and over again. He’s got 8 more weeks of class, though. Last week he seemed to enjoy more, even sporting a few smiles. We’ll see how this week (and the next 7) go. Then he can try soccer or t-ball or something.

He’s got some good dance moves, though, and makes an awfully cute boy ballerina.

Girly ears
The next biggest thing that happened in January is that Berry got her ears pierced. She has a pair of clip on earrings that were just squishing and bruising her ears, yet she insisted on wearing them for the sake of beauty. So I told her when she was ready, she could get her ears pierced and wear real earrings. Within a few weeks, she decided she was ready, so off we went to the mall.

She’s a tough cookie. She said she’d be brave and wouldn’t cry. All she did is blink.

Then we went to the movie theatre, got a giant tub of popcorn and watched Tangled. Both kiddos sat through it perfectly. Within a week, of course, Emma got her ears pierced, too.

I don’t have the rest of January’s photos uploaded yet. They involve Dr. Princess Barbie Berry wrapping me up in bandages, hiking up Spencer’s Butte, doing science with Duncan, dressing up in a bunny suit to tour surgery areas at the hospital, kids hugging each other and watching movies in the basement. You can expect those in another six weeks or so…

In early December, we drove out to Grandma Sue’s abandoned Christmas tree farm. Trees were growing wild! After a trek through the beautiful spooky forest, we picked out a tree. First, we had to check out all the woods had to offer, including this stream.

I love getting the kids out in nature. The trees have such a pull for me, that I want them to develop that same connection.

That said, we did bring Adam and a saw to cut one down and take it home…

After wandering for what probably felt like miles, I chose a tree. The kids watched as Adam cut it down.

I don’t seem to have photos of it, but it was huge. We took the top half, plus some branches to make a wreath for the front door. We tied it to the roof of the mini van, while the kids got warm inside — while rocking out to music from Glee – took it home and propped it up in the corner of the dining room.

You can watch the movie of the event here:

Once it was ready to decorate, I had many willing “helpful” hands. We eventually got all of the ornaments on. By all, I mean ALL, regardless of free tree branches to hang them from. What started out as a lovely, fresh tree cut right from the forest turned into a very well decorated, brightly lit Christmas creation.

You can see part of it behind Princess Berry.

A few days, later, Advent presents from Gramma arrived and Duncan and Berry very much enjoyed opening one each morning when they woke up.

I neglected to take a photo every day, but you get the idea.

The Sunday before Christmas, we went to church. So did Santa. Berry seemed very comfortable in his lap.

She wanted some odd combination of robot toys that all worked together. Duncan, however, just wanted a bell from Santa’s sleigh (we’ve read the Polar Express).

I’m not sure what Emma asked for. And the pic is on Adam’s phone.

I made egg nog, snowball cookies (pictured below) and mini apple pies. All gluten-free and delicious, even if some of the snow balls were more like snow mounds.

Mysterious boxes kept arriving at our door every day. Lots and lots of presents were wrapped from all corners of the globe. On Christmas Eve they made their way down the stairs to the tree. We had to move the table.

And, finally, on Christmas morning, little children work up bright and early to begin unwrapping them. They Skyped with Kevin to unwrap presents from him, Aunt Karen, Uncle Jonny, Gramma and Papa Rog. They Skyped with Uncle Christopher and Arthur to unwrap their presents. They waited for Nanny to arrive so they could unwrap presents with her. And, finally, Emma and Sam arrived home and more presents were unwrapped.

I fell asleep, exhausted, at 2:30 pm while children frolicked and played. Helping Santa is hard.

Qyout osum fun!

I’ve never stood in line at the mall, trying to get the elusive Santa shot. It just never mattered that much and I didn’t really want to chance the screaming.

As it turns out, apparently I didn’t need to worry about that. Berry had quite the snuggle with Santa at church yesterday. She asked for a robot dog connected to a cat connected to a Barbie that moved. Good luck, Santa!