Preggo clothes no more

Well, that’s wishful thinking to be completely rid of them. But I am packing them up – the stuff that’s finally too big for me now! Plus the stuff I never wore anyway, or that’s strictly cold-weather clothes.

The annoying thing is that the maternity clothes I have that are smaller are all winter clothes. I have one pair of shorts that I got in the last few months (when it got warmer and I got bigger) that made it to the end. But now they’re getting hugely baggy. Oh well. And everything is too warm in this weather.

But I feel like I did something productive today at least. It’s hard to find the balance between resting and doing a few things.

On another topic, I realized I haven’t been taking pictures the last few days. Duncan has broken out in infant acne – a completely normal condition. But it’s not one that inspires pictures of his cuteness. He’s also started to get a bit fussy at times, which apparently is supposed to happen right around the same time as the acne. It’s all hormonally related somehow and should clear up in a couple of weeks. But still distressing.

But I believe in being brave, so here’s a photo of my infant teenager taking his first nap in his crib.

Time for me to grab a snack and take a nap myself. Hopefully that’s not wishful thinking.

Quick update

First I have to admit that my mood of peace and acceptance dissolved by mid-afternoon on Sunday. Yesterday was OK, though. And at least I felt it for a little while.

We’re off to the doctor’s in a little bit for a biophysical profile ultrasound to make sure he still has the right number of everything in the right place. I guess at more than 41 weeks they want to make sure there’s enough fluid in there and he’s doing all right. We get to see him at least. After that we’ll determine what to do as far as induction or waiting or…no, I think those are our 2 choices.

My horoscope for today says:
Something you’ve been keeping to yourself for a very long time is about to emerge, but not consciously. Pay attention to your dreams. There’s a message in them that you really need to hear.

Bet you can guess what I’d like to emerge today, consciously or not. Last night I dreamt that I had the baby and left him at home with Kevin while I went back to work. After I’d been there a few hours, I got all mushy thinking about him, about how I wanted to see him and be with him now that he’s finally here and thought maybe I should call Kevin and see how things were going. It was only at that point that I realized I couldn’t leave my newborn child as I was his source of food! So he was really hungry and not very happy when I called (the baby, not Kevin).

So I left work early, my boss was very understanding and honestly quite surprised to see me back to work so soon, and went home to my baby. Decipher that dream, Freud.

The Divine Plan

Even when we don�t know how or why, all things are in divine order.

And when we cease holding on to how things will come about, we flow with the energy of the river of life and we receive our perfect outcome.

It�s not easy being in the flow. Until you let go. Think less and trust more is something Spiritualists recommend often.

There are several times in my life when I have known that things will turn out all right, that change will be made for the better, even when I have had no real idea of how that change would be accomplished. And during those times I knew that simply letting go would enable the outcome to come into effect. That holding on or worrying or even wondering too much would hinder, even prevent it.

And profound changes occurred. I got my first job as a journalist. I met my second husband. I became pregnant with ease. My employer changed its maternity leave policy to something much better which benefits me so much more and enables me to take more time off with my baby. My husband found a good and stable job. The universe has come through for me in so many ways, especially lately.

I am in another of those times where I know if I let go I will have exactly what I need. I am in that flow of energy, even though I don�t really understand how it works yet.

It�s easy to forget that somehow this is all part of the divine plan. In this case, that my baby staying inside me with no sign of wanting to leave is somehow for the highest and best good of our little family. I do believe, I know, that when I give my thanks each night and ask for our highest good and for love and healing to be sent out to all those I love and am connected to that this is exactly what I will receive.

And since this is the essence of what I have been praying for � our highest good, rather than that Duncan is born immediately � I must step back from the controls and be part of the flow. I must trust that this is simply part of the grander plan, even though I don�t understand it. Think less, trust more. Give thanks. Believe in the best that can be. And let go. I�ll keep working on it.

It’s all up to little D

Perspective is a powerful thing.

On the one hand, I could feel like my body is failing me. That it doesn’t know how to give birth (or even get the birthing process started). That it’s stalling right before it gets to the last part of the race. It’s been doing fine for 9 months, making a beautiful baby with no complications whatsoever. And yet, now that the manufacturing process is complete, it doesn’t seem to want to release its creation.

Or, I could think that my baby is just so comfortable in there, so attached to his mummy that he doesn’t want to leave. All his needs are provided for, after all. He doesn’t even know he has needs. Whatever it is that he needs is so automatically provided for that he’s probably not even aware of it. He doesn’t know hunger or cold or what it’s like to have a wet diaper. And the world he’s living in is the only one that he knows.

I think being born is a lot like dying.

This is the world that we know. We don’t know what comes next, even if we have faith and reassurance that the after-life is a good thing and somewhere we’ll like being. I firmly believe that physical death is no more (or less or worse) than being born into a new life. Yet I’m quite content to stay here in the physical for as long as I possibly can.

Maybe being in the womb is like that, too. Even though being born will bring him an expanded awareness and ability to learn and grow, where he is right now is what he knows and probably brings him a whole lot of contentment. It’s got to be cramped, though.

On the third hand, maybe it’s all about Duncan. Some research points to it being the baby’s decision when to be born. Something in him has to set off the reactions in me that bring about labor and birth. We’re still waiting for that to happen.

2,000 words worth of photos

My sweet husband is determined to keep painting on my belly with henna. This is round #3 of our henna belly painting. Well, it’s design number 3, he did design #2 about 3 times to get it to stain well. It did, but it finally faded and since I still have a nice round canvas, I let him have another go.

The design is a Tibetan mandala for health and long life.

Photo #2 is what I look like right now at 40 weeks, 5 days preggers. Yes, those grey shorts are the only thing that still fits me.

40 weeks, 4 days

Someone I talked to yesterday told me that I’d need to update the blog this morning if the day finds me still pregnant. So I’m updating the blog.

There are several good things about being home and not at work past your due date. One of them is that you forget what day of the week it is and what the date is. They start to blur together after a while (and I try not to think that I’m burning up vacation time waiting for a baby). But it does help you (me) relax about the whole overdue thing. About HOW overdue I may be getting.

That’s not to say there aren’t any signs he’s on his way. Every day I feel a little bit closer. Like we’re slowly, slowly creeping up to the point of critical mass when things really start to happen and there’s no turning back.

Another good thing about being home is that I’m actually whittling away my list of preggo projects. After enjoying the ability to nap as much as I wanted and feeling really tired late last week and over the weekend, I’ve been quite productive the last couple of days. I would even go so far as to venture that I’m nesting.

Because why else would I feel compelled yesterday to paint the trim in the pantry that’s been taunting me for the last 2 years? It’s not like activity that makes you move around a lot, climbing on chairs and crouching on the floor, is exactly comfortable at 9+ months of pregnancy. Yet the trim got 2 coats of paint. Today the pantry is getting cleaned. Along with the rest of the downstairs. Although today does feel more like a napping day…

Laughing at myself

Baby is still happily ensconced, safe inside. No spontaneous, unnoticed birth during the the night. I got some presumably labor-inducing accupuncture yesterday, so I was hoping yesterday would be The Day. Going back for some more today — got some stuffy sinuses too, and accupuncture is always excellent for that.

So I woke up this morning determined to be more positive and less cranky today, announcing to Duncan that today is his Birth Day and making sure he’s still moving around and active. No problem there. Active Baby likes to keep me awake at night these days.

And I got up to check my e-mail and finish up that MPI lesson (#22 of 30!) that I’ve been avoiding so I can pop it in the postal mail today. And I got the following note from The Universe which just made me laugh.

Sometimes, Silandara, when things take longer than you thought they would, it’s just a gentle reminder from your greater self (me), that you have more time than you thought, and that there’s a journey to enjoy.

Yeah, like all the time in the world.

The Universe

40 weeks, 1 day – he’s still on the inside

When I’m trying to go back to sleep at night after one of my many trips to the loo or because I’ve been woken up by thirst, insane hunger or someone apparently trying to break out of the belly through the side of it instead of his proper route, I come up with all kinds of wonderful things to blog about.

But now I’m awake and people are already calling me to see if I’m still pregnant or if I’m in the hospital with my baby boy. And husband. And midwife.

Obviously, I’m sitting here in front of my computer, still very much pregnant and a little cranky. Without anything profound or fluid to say.

So, if you know my phone number, don’t call me. I’ll let you know, one way or another, when the little dude decides to finally arrive. Unless you actually want to do something useful – like go out to lunch with me or see a movie or talk about something OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I’M PAST MY DUE DATE and still very much preggers. OK? I’m very much aware of my condition, even as I wake up and put my positive face on it, that today is Duncan’s birthday (maybe, it is, after all. If I keep saying that, one of these days I’m bound to be right).

It’s an honor that people in my life care (and I don’t mean that sarcastically at all). And I know I’ve done the same thing to other pregnant people (and I hereby publically apologize). I just so don’t want to talk on the phone about whether I’m having any “signs” or not. And I really, really hate the fact that I was wrong about my prediction that he’d come early.

Another day – still pregnant

I didn’t do a whole lot today. I took three naps and two half-hour walks. (The naps were longer than the walks.) I’m working hard on being patient.

The evenings are harder, somehow, especially after Kevin goes to bed and it’s quiet. I usually go outside at some point update the neighbors on the latest, go for a walk, maybe water the garden if it’s been hot and sunny, then wonder what to do until I go to bed.

There’s a quietness that fills the house and a restlessness that fills me. Like I want something else, something more than what’s happening, but yet I don’t quite know what. Sometimes after my walk I get some contractions – but nothing consistent or increasing in frequency or intensity. Nothing that goes anywhere. But when you get one you wonder if you’re going to get another, then another, then another. If this is IT, the start of IT anyway. But it’s not.

Eventually I decided to go to bed, usually wondering if my water is going to break in the middle of the night. Lately I’ve pretty much stopped caring if it floods the bed. And then I wake up in the morning (after waking up 4 or 5 times in the night to pee and gulp glasses of water) and look down at my body and try and remember if I’m still pregnant. As soon as I try and sit up to get out of bed I know…yep, still got that belly. And another day begins.

edd 7/10
39 weeks 5 days

It’s alive!

He’s still in the belly, though.

Kevin has gotten hooked on repeatedly henna-ing my belly. That’s OK because I’m quite happy watching movies in the evening, just sitting there while he paints away.

And Duncan seems to enjoy it too — pushing his butt out when Kevin paints on the left side of my belly, pushing out his feet on the right, and sometimes just generally squirming around.

So, here, I offer Duncan’s first home movie. The movie playing in the background is The Station Agent, in case your curious.

Baby in the belly (about 3 MB)
(Note: I’m holding my breath, all the movement is coming from within.)
You need QuickTime player to view this movie. It’s a free download.

Now I’m going for a walk and I’m not coming home until I have a baby or it starts raining, whichever comes first.