Working in my PJs

It wasn’t until this evening when I went to put the bag of cat refuse in the garbage that I realized what it had been doing all day.

Snowing.

Why hadn’t I noticed? I guess I didn’t look out the windows much.

I knew it had snowed. Kevin went outside to shovel around noon. He asked if I was going anywhere today. I said I wasn’t planning to. (I think this was a good thing so he didn’t have to shovel the driveway.)

And then it struck me as I looked at the fluffy white mounds on my car and the garbage can lid. I didn’t have to drive in this stuff today. I didn’t have to bundle Duncan up and shuttle him into the car complete with diaper bag and pump parts. And lunch. Mustn’t forget lunch.

I was bemoaning a bit earlier. I did 4 1/2 hours of work today. It went like this:
Got up late as I was up for an hour with the D-man around 4 am, so we both slept a little late and woke up when Kevin came home from work in the morning and emptied the dishwasher (I’m not complaining). So I started work an hour later than planned – at 9 a.m.

Worked for almost an hour. Stopped to get Duncan to nap and then have a snack. That took an hour.

Worked for just under 2 hours. Kevin was in bed by then and Duncan had been sitting in his playpen in my office for a good while. And I was hungry. So it was time for lunch and some cuddles and time with Mummy. Then it was nap time and I got to take a shower.

An hour and a half break, total. And then an hour work. Then an hour break and another 45 minutes work.

By then it was after 5 p.m. and I called it a day.

It seemed like in my 8 hour day, I didn’t get that much work in. But I didn’t have to spend 2 hours driving to and from the sitter and work. I didn’t have to face the snowy roads, the slow traffic, the dark commute home.

True, I’m beat now and it’s almost 11 p.m., but I got to play with my baby a whole lot, read him a few books, cuddle, breast feed (instead of pump at work), cook oatmeal porridge for him to eat tomorrow, eat dinner, have a few snacks, catch up on non-work e-mail (I did do a bit of non-billable stuff today), and work on lesson 28 (of 3o!) in my ministerial course. And I got to shower and wash my hair and not have to run out of the house with it still wet.

All from the comfort of home. I’m not really in my PJs, though. I got dressed. In my old workout pants (that no longer see the gym) and a fleece sweater.

Ready…set….go

Life as a freelancer has begun.

Thursday went well. (I took Wednesday off. I’ve had Wednesdays off for so long that it’ll be an adjustment working that day of the week again.) Even with taking Duncan for his 6-month appointment (and vaccinations and resulting cranky-clingyness) I got a decent amount of work done.

Friday…not so much. What did I do on Friday? A couple of hours work in the morning. Then Kevin went to bed so I was on duty. At some point in the afternoon we went out on errands and to the chiropractor. I do remember realizing what a luxury it was to not be trapped in an office and be able to be driving around in pre-rush hour traffic on a Friday afternoon. But then by the evening when Duncan was asleep (and he went to bed late) I was wiped out and didn’t manage to motivate myself to put in a couple more hours in front of the computer.

Today – today is Saturday. It’s the weekend. Work? Hah!

Actually, I’ve been cleaning and reorganizing my office. Basically that means I’m getting everything out of here that I can, like my PA system and speaker stands that are just gathering dust these days , pushing my desk and other furniture to the walls to make room for Duncan and his assorted belongings.

Like a play yard. I just got back from buying one off craigslist.com. It’s huge – 38″ by 38″. Kevin hasn’t seen it yet. But I’ve made room for it and this way the little tyke and I can hang out in the office in the afternoons and I can get some work done. Instead of playing with him all day – which is what I did on Friday (and today). It’s big enough that he can sit in it and topple over and not get hurt. He can even crawl around in there too, once he gets the hang of that.

OK, back to cleaning and babyproofing (shoving my desk up against the wall at least removed the hazard of all those wires. It’s not the vision I had planned for my office, but whatever. That’s suddenly become not a priority.

Free agent

I’m waiting for the little guy to fall asleep — keeping one ear on stirrings from the crib. Are they noises I need to attend to, or is it just sounds of falling asleep? I’ve already performed binky patrol reinsertion 2 or 3 times already (and retrieved one from underneath the crib).

Today is my first day as a freelancer. A full-time freelancer. A woman without a 9-to-5 job.

I actually did it.

I’ve been wanting to write about it for a while, but I haven’t known how. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t in many ways. Yeah, that’s a ringing endorsement of a freelance writer – someone who doesn’t know what to write… it’s different when it’s about you. Writing about other people is easy.

Suffice to say, I’ve actually made the bold step into free agentdom. I do have some steady work lined up–from my former employer–which does make it easier. But still. I was going to write that I’m on my own now, but I don’t feel like I’m on my own. I feel like I’m hand-in-hand with the universe. I feel like I’m being well taken care of. That I can trust that everything is perfectly OK and will only get better.

As I was driving home yesterday to pick up Duncan from the sitter’s for the last time, I had so many emotions going on that I didn’t know how to describe them all.

Giddy happiness that I would no longer have to be away from Duncan, that I get to strike out on my own and see where my ambition and talent will lead.

Apprehension about leaving a decent-paying steady job with great benefits and a myriad of perks.

Sadness at losing my status, changing the relationship with my coworkers (being a freelancer won’t be the same as being a colleague).

Nostalgia for a job I was so excited to get 5 years ago.

Hysteria (mild) that I’d gone and given up the steady paycheck direct deposited into my bank account.

Knowledge, deep and clear, that I was doing exactly the right thing. That’s what continues to resonate with me the most, above the hubbub of the rest.

In defense of my job

I’ve been meaning to write a follow-up to my last post. A couple of points:

There are things about my job that I really like. I like the work I do. I like the people I work with. I like the environment. I’m not complaining about the job. Just the fact that I have to go to it and be away from Duncan.

I have been doing more in the last 2 months than actually staring out the window. I’ve had rather productive days some days (which make me feel really good) where I’ve forged ahead and felt glad to be at work. I have had some less-than-productive days which I don’t enjoy because I’d rather be busy and happy and getting stuff done and distracted with that.

Besides, my window overlooks a brick wall. And the blinds are closed now that I have to pump in my office.

No matter what I’ve been doing, I’ve been doing my best. I realize that’s not at pre-baby level sometimes. But it’s the best I can do and all I can give at this particular point. I hope that’s enough.

Hey mummy, it’s 2 a.m., let’s play!

Actually, it’s been more like, “Hey lady! My diaper is soaked through! WTH? Get me changed and fed would you? Then let’s play!”

I need more than 2 hours consecutive sleep in the night. Something about REM sleep really does it for me. But I haven’t had any yet this week. I know, it’s only Tuesday.

I managed to tell the head of HR today that I’ve been back to work for 2 months and have mostly hidden in my office and stared off into sleep-deprived space. Oops. Didn’t mean for it to come out that way. She has children, I think she understands. It’s still so weird to have people be so glad you’re back at work when it’s a place you don’t want to be anymore.

Working mummy

I don’t know where I want to go with this post. Here’s a summary of this week’s happenings:

I’m back to work 4 full days a week. I’m also at a conference (in town) for 3 days this week. So I didn’t drive home at lunch on Monday and let Kevin take Duncan to the babysitter’s at lunch. He didn’t eat for 9 hours (I’m not assigning any blame. He just refused all food from anything other than mummy). 9 hours! I’d pass out without food.

And it occurred to me last night that while he’s certainly not shrinking and wasn’t terribly unhappy by all reports, not drinking anything for 9 hours maybe isn’t so good. While well-meaning people like to tell me that “he’ll eat when he’s hungry enough,” apparently he won’t. The data proves that 7-9 hours isn’t hungry enough and I’m not willing to wait and see just how hungry “enough” is. Plus, not eating all day has the downside that, even after feeding him every hour in the evening, he wakes up every 3 hours at night. Which means I wake up. Which means I don’t get enough sleep. Which means…well, you get the idea. Sleep deprivation is never pretty.

Today was his first full day at the other babysitter (yes, we’re exposing the child to a wide variety of people. Either he’ll be completely adaptable or traumatized. It’s too early to tell). Again, I didn’t go and visit at lunch. And he ate!

It’s amazing how little things like your baby eating when you’re not there make you happy. He ate twice! And he ate cereal. So that makes me feel better about the whole abandoning-my-child-with-people-I-pay-25%-of-my-income-to-so-I-can-go-to-work thing. Just a little better. Not better enough to want to keep doing it, mind you.

This evening, we had a dinner excursion at the George Eastman House. Kevin has class tonight and would otherwise be sleeping before work anyway. So I brought the baby.

I’d like to state that I asked permission first. And that it was given.

It was an interesting experience. People were, for the most part, curious and accepting. There were a few hard core programmer types who seemed unnerved by the site of a small human snuggled up in a sling on his mother. I got several, “Is that a baby in there?” questions. I got a few questions about where I got the sling (hey, at least they knew what it was!). One guy told me his wife has her own home-based business making them. That was pretty cool.

I read Working Mother, Nursing Mother right before I went back to work. It was a really useful read, with some good advice on pumping at work (I’ve also been pumping in a bathroom for the last 2 days…that’s been an experience in an of itself) and how to adjust to working as a new mother.

It also had some really powerful insight on what it’s like to be a working and nursing mum. It talked about how our society separates a mother’s life into two parts — her work life and her home life — and how we’re supposed to not blend them together too much. Seems like it’s mostly for the comfort of the people around us, rather than for our own good.

I can’t separate those two things.

I’m a nursing mother of a 3 1/2-month old pumping milk in breaks between conference sessions. There’s nowhere good for me to do this. The bathroom stall? I don’t think so. I don’t eat in the rest room. Why should my child?

Sitting in a chair in foyer to the ladies bathroom right off the hotel lobby? That’s better at least. I turned my back to everyone and hoped they couldn’t see too much in the mirror hanging right in front of me! It was certainly a better atmosphere than a bathroom stall.

But I was still so aware of how it made other women uncomfortable when they walked in and out. Just like I was aware how it rubbed people the wrong way to bring a sleeping baby to an evening networking/dinner/mingle. At least it pushed a few unexpected buttons, I think, even if it didn’t offend.

What surprised me most were the young women who looked a bit put out or uncomfortable. I wonder how I would have reacted at least year’s conference if I saw someone a couple of years older than me casually wandering around with a baby swaddled up in a sling. Or sitting in a quiet corner breast feeding.

Am I pushing the envelope? Should I have stayed home? I don’t know. I know I absolutely wouldn’t have left him with a sitter (if I had one available) after being apart from him all day. I know that I loved how I could take him everywhere with me while I was pregnant, but now it feels like there are some places he’s not supposed to go.

I also know that I’m taking him to the conference with me tomorrow morning. There are a couple more sessions to attend and it’s my normal day off, so I don’t have anyone to take care of him. And I have permission. We’ll see how it goes, but at least I won’t have to deal with the blessed pump.

No news – is that good news?

Not exactly. It’s not bad either, I guess. It’s just the adjustment from being a mum on maternity leave to being a working mother.

It hasn’t been easy. I guess it’s getting a bit better.

I can tell you that it feels pretty normal to be in my office at work. On the surface everything seems the same. It’s just underneath that it’s all completely changed.

Before I sat in meetings mostly bored out of my skull. Now I sit in a 2 o’clock meeting praying for it to end soon so that I can rush into my office and return the phone call from the sitter (not an emergency. phew) and hook up my aching right breast to the milking machine until it stops complaining.

Before, I’d leave whenever I was done for the day, often procrastinating for a bit until it was well after 5 p.m. Now…well, now I have to pick up my baby and give him all the cuddles I wasn’t able to get in during the day.

Before, I remembered what day of the month it was and what times my meetings were. Now I have no clue. I wrote a press release last week with a release date on it that was after the event I was promoting and today showed up for a 2 p.m. meeting at 10 a.m. Fortunately it was in our office conference room so I didn’t have too walk far.

I do miss my daily walks with Duncan, though. Soon it will be too dark to even take them right after work. But perhaps we can squeeze one in today.

We went for a walk on Friday after work and it brought a whole lot of normalcy to the end of my week. Strange that “normal” for me is now spending time with my son. Not being in an office working all day.

It may look pretty much the same on the surface. But the currents underneath run in an entirely different direction.

Pumping at work

I’ve completed my first “week” at work. I went back yesterday.

This afternoon, I worked from home – and that was my savior. Yesterday was rough. They tell me it gets better, but I don’t know that I want it to. I don’t know that I want to get used to missing my baby. Especially as he won’t stay a baby forever.

I’m also finding pumping at work to be a challenge so far.

Perhaps it’s pumping in an environment that…well, it doesn’t lend itself to relaxing with your breasts out. Even with the door locked and curtain over the window to the hallway. And yes, I realize how lucky I am to have a private office in which I can pump and not be relegated to the office bathroom.

But still. It’s not the same as sitting on the couch at home.

Perhaps it was the sweet smell of new plastic from the pump. Instead of the sweet smell of my new baby.

Perhaps it was the relentless shuck-shuck-shuck sound of the pump trying to extract my milk in vain. Instead of the strong and effective suck of a baby’s mouth and satisfying swallowing as he eats in enjoyment.

It’s hard to emotionally connect to a breastpump. You look down and it’s just not the same as seeing your baby’s face and the bliss of his emotional satisfaction as he connects with you, your smell and your milk, made especially for him.

And so every time I tried to pump, I cried. Because it wasn’t working. Because I missed my baby. Because none of it felt at all right or natural or normal.

Being at work felt surprisingly normal, like I could jump right back in and pick up where I left off in July. Although I can’t completely remember the way around my computer yet. But I kept expecting to see Duncan any minute. Like he was in my office waiting for me, or taking a nap somewhere, and our separation was only for a few minutes, not 9 hours.

Today was a lot better as I came home at lunch and spent the afternoon watching him trying to roll over as I worked. And I did work. I got stuff done. I just wish I could do that every day.

The Internet money machine

My research into how to make a living online from the comfort of my home continues.

I’ve been learning a lot the past few weeks. I’ve been doing a lot of reading, a lot of web surfing, a lot of googling to see who out there is telling the truth and who’s full of poop.

What I’ve come up with as a possibly profitable business activity is affiliate marketing. That’s where you get people to go to Web sites that sell products they’re interested in – for which you get a decent commission. I think, if done right, it can actually work.

I haven’t made my first million yet by any means. So far I’ve made a $5 profit. But, hey, that’s 5 bucks.

There are a few ways to do this affiliate marketing thing. One is buying ads on Google for specific keywords that send people to a Web page selling a related product. One that teaches you how to play bass guitar, for instance.

For that you want to pick good products that are worth people’s money, that people actually want to buy, and that make the ordering process really easy. These products – most of which are downloadable software or e-books – are available through ClickBank.com.

And to make things easier, there’s a service called CB Mall that puts it all in one searchable storefront. Because the Click Bank interface is pretty dry and unsearchable. You can’t just type in “google” to find products on how to make the best of Google AdWords. With CB Mall, you can.

So that’s where I am so far. Look for a search box for CB Mall on this blog in the near future. And I’ll be recommending products from time to time as I find decent stuff. And if you want to learn more about how CB Mall works and what it offers, here’s a free course on the 15 ways CB Mall can earn you money.

Sounds like Duncan is waking up from his nap…he did it again last night — with a 12-hour stretch this time? This baby loves his mummy.

Making money on the Net. Or not.

I was going to write this at 6 a.m. while I was awake after feeding Duncan. But then I went back to sleep.

I am putting my powers of procrastination to use.

I have this amazing talent that, when there’s something I don’t want to do for whatever reason, instead I spend my time doing other things that seem slightly less objectionable. In this way, I actually get stuff done. Eventually. And I even do the first thing that I was procrastinating about doing.

In this case, it’s writing queries for magazines. Instead of doing that, I’ve been exploring every other conceivable way of making a living without going into an office. Things I’ve learned so far:

Survey sites are scams.
I’ve been to a lot of them. Several hundred by now, probably. And I have yet to find one site that actually says it will pay me real money – not tokens that can presumably later be “cashed in” for real money – for my opinion.

Sure, a lot of people want to know a lot of demographic information about me and my family and our income and medical problems and how we feel about smoking in public. But I’m supposed to want to provide this info for the good of the country. Or something like that. I’m supposed to be honored that they care, that I can supposedly make their products better, and that I’ll be entered into a drawing to receive…something I probably don’t even need (unless it’s free groceries or gas! But no one actually gives that away).

I will not make a living playing games online.
Granted, I haven’t tried. But it doesn’t seem like a good idea. I can find other ways to waste time.

I probably won’t make a living through Google’s AdSense program.
But I’m trying it out anyway. That’s the little box in the upper right corner that has a text ad in it. I might make it bigger. I might splash it across the page or down the side in a column. I don’t know yet. But I thought I’d try it out. This whole Pay Per Click thing intrigues me. Right now it’s not too obnoxious and I’m curious to see what kind of ads it pops up.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. And I’m now reduced to actually writing some queries (now that I’ve run out of ways to procrastinate). After lunch, of course.