Berry has been begging me for marshmallows. I’m fine with kids having treats. But I do object to them eating ingredients such as high fructose corn syrup and food colorings (also artificial sweeteners, hydrogenated oils and MSG – my list of nos is fairly short).

It’s surprisingly hard to find marshmallows without those first two ingredients. We did, for a while, at Market of Choice. But then they stopped carrying them. The best I could find are Dandies, which list corn syrup (at least not high fructose) as the first ingredient.

So I decided to make my own.

Rather than go the no-refined-sugar approach (by making them out of $20 worth of maple syrup or agave nectar), I went with plain, organic, somewhat brown sugar.

I’m finally found a recipe that called for only sugar (not light corn syrup which contains HFCS) at Marshmallow Chef Sticks (#6). I decided to use this one as, when I went to look for the candy thermometers other recipes called for, I found them both cracked. Adding mercury and/or little bits of broken glass seemed like a bad idea, so out they went.

Homemade marshmallows

2 envelopes Knox gelatin (o.5 oz/14 g)

1/2 cup cold water

2 cups sugar

3/4 cup boiling water

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp vanilla

1. Boil sugar and hot water together until thread stage (which I think is around 450-480F if you do have a candy thermometer). Note: I didn’t actually look up what “thread stage” means, but I decided it’s the point at which you can see the sugar mixture visibly change and thicken and a thread of stickiness hang from the spoon. This takes a while — a good 10 minutes at least.

2. Mix gelatin and cold water together to dissolve (do this while boiling hot water and sugar). It will swell up.

3. Add gelatin/cold water mixture to the hot mixture. Stir.

4. Add salt and vanilla.

5. Beat until thick, white and fluffy. Mixture will have cooled down at this point.

6. Cover baking pans with powdered sugar. Pour mixture into pans 1/2″ to 1″ deep. Allow to cool.

7. Loosen edges with a wet knife. Turn out onto a sheet of waxed paper covered in powdered sugar. Cut into cubes and roll in powdered sugar. Store in an air tight container.

Note: My experience with step 7 didn’t quite go as prescribed. The marshmallows didn’t gracefully slip out of the pan ready to be cut up. Marshmallows are sticky. I cut them into cubes, then pried them out of the pan with a spoon, then rolled them in powdered sugar. It ended up working out fine, if not exactly according to directions.

This is what the mixture looks like when it’s done (and a little girl is helping you clean up and do quality assurance testing).

I used half the mixture to make marshmallows and half to make rice krispie treats.

Rice Krispie Treats

Melt butter (about 1 TBSP). Mix in gooey marshmallow. Add rice crispies and mix until well coated. Note: Use fresh cereal, not stale cereal. The end result will be much better.

I didn’t use exact or measured amounts, as I simply emptied the box of cereal into the marshmallow. I added some natural red food coloring to make them pink (the color Duncan picked).

Empty bowl into greased pan and spread. Allow to cool. Cut into pieces and feed to children.

The cooling concoctions:

But I did it. And I earned a Bachelor’s of Science in Cultural Studies with a concentration in Communications from SUNY Empire State College.

And Adam gave me a Kindle as a happy graduation present.

He had no idea what he was doing. A spark was ignited within me and I rediscovered my love of reading. It had been denied to me for years — ever since the kids were born and I stopped going to my monthly LitWits book club.

My Kindle is small. The battery lasts forever. The screen is so easy to read. It’s like paper. But it’s not. It’s magic. If I love my Kindle so much, why don’t I marry it? Is that an option?

What I love is that it breaks down the barriers to reading. I can carry it in my handbag and whip it out any time I need to wait anywhere for anything. I can read while cuddling the kids to sleep. I can even read on the toilet. When I’m in the midst of a really intense book, I can read walking around the hallways at work, on my way to the office upstairs; or while brushing my teeth. (I may have a bit of a reading problem.)

I’m not sure I can count the number of books I’ve read since November. I started with Nora Roberts’ Bed of Roses (book 2 of the Bride Quartet) because it was the first thing I could find that was available at the Eugene library for download. Then I went on to a series of unfortunate romance novels (available for free download on Amazon.com).

I finally got smart and asked my Facebook friends for recommendations.

I then raced my way through books 1-7 of the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. I got books 1-6 as a set from the library on a 21-day loan. I was finished with them before they were due. I’m not sure I’m very good at writing book reviews, but I might give it a try, in my own way. Another time. I’ve got book 8, Proven Guilty, calling to me on my Kindle now…

I’d purchased some various plush toy material for Emma for a class project and had leftover material from Halloween. Duncan chose the brown fuzzy stuff to make a hamster. Berry went for the pink fleece to make a kitty.

I would post patterns but, basically, I asked them to draw what they wanted it to look like. Then I made a pattern on a piece of paper and cut out 2 pieces. The body was one piece. The tail was another.

As neither child knows how to sew, I gave them a quick sewing lesson — running stitch for Duncan, over stitching for Berry (is that even the right word?) — knowing I’d need to go over it for them so all the stuffing wouldn’t fall out, but wanting them to get some practice and participate. It went fairly well, considering.

After stitching, we turned them right side out and stuffed. That was probably their favorite part. Then I sewed them up and added tails. I put a thick twisty tie I found in the kitchen drawer into Berry’s cat’s tail to give it some curling ability.

For some reason, Berry decided her cat should have fluffy white eyes. I recommend felt, not fuzzy white fabric. Fortunately, I talked her into felt for the mouth. Duncan insisted on ears and feet for his hamster (note that Berry’s cat doesn’t have legs…).

Once completed, and ready to become inducted into Sonic the Hedgehog’s band of Freedom Fighters, all that was left was giving them names. Duncan went for something simple: Chocolate. Berry, however, wanted a full and complete name for her creation. Kitty Cutie-Cat wasn’t enough. It needed a last name. Gustina was rejected. As was Freedom, as Robotnik would immediately know that the cat was out to defeat him if his last name was Freedom. So I suggested Evil, to fool Robotnik. And so Kitty Cutie-Cat Evil was christened and sent forth into battle.

The essence of Christmas,  of which we celebrated the first round yesterday, in a few photos.

I also have some shared google docs with recipe files so that, in theory, I can easily find them when needed. Apparently, I didn’t put the one for my gluten-free pie crust in it, so I’ve been scrambling around for 15 minutes trying to find where I put it, other than my now-defunct gluten-free site.

I’ll put it in my google docs files. But, since I’m typing it up, here it is also.

Gluten-free pie crust

This works well for any pie – apple, pumpkin, tartes… (and that’s the extent of my pie making repertoire). It makes enough pie crust for a 2-crust pie (or 2 pies with only the bottom crust).

Ingredients

1 1/4 cups gluten free flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill all purpose gluten free baking mix or Arrowhead Mills baking mix)

1/4 cup almond meal (this adds a lovely nuttiness)

1/3 cup corn starch

1/2 cup sugar

1 teaspoon xanthan gum

8 TBSP butter, cut into pieces

1 large egg

2 tsp vanilla extract

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, stir together the flour, xanthan gum, sugar and cornstarch.

2. Add the butter, egg and vanilla and mix until combined.

3. Either remove the dough from the bowl and knead on a surface dusted with gluten-free flour, or knead the dough in the bowl (my preferred method).

4. Divide into two pieces and chill in the refrigerator for 15-20 minutes.

5. Pre-heat oven to 400F (or whatever temperature your filling recipe calls for).

6. Roll crusts. Put waxed paper on your work surface and flour it lightly. Using a rolling pin, roll out one crust at a time.

7. Spray your pie dish with non-stick gluten-free cooking spray.

8. Invert the pie dish over the waxed paper and flip it over. Peel the waxed paper off. Make the edges look as pretty as possible.

9. Using a fork, poke holes in the sides and bottom of the crust.

10. Fill with delicious filling of your choosing.

11. If making a 2-crust pie, roll out and place the crust on top, pinching edges together.

12. Cover edges with foil to prevent burning.

13. Pop in the oven for the required time.

14. Eat pie!

Two new members joined our family last weekend, two female gerbils named Sulu and Pear. Duncan and Berry each named one. They are happily living in Duncan’s bedroom.

Last week, their attractions were a running wheel and wooden climbing structure. This week: shredded paper tunnels.

I’ve read that we should get the gerbils used to us by playing with them. I’m not sure how one plays with gerbils. Perhaps Google can tell me.

I get a lot of pleasure from our small garden. This morning, it’s cool and sunny, a perfect time to harvest everything that’s been readying itself for consumption.

I’m not sure what to do with all the basil yet. Dry it, make pesto, make basil hummus…

Last weekend, we managed to plant a whole lot of snow and snap peas. Once all the warm season veggies are done, I’ll plant fava beans as a winter cover crop.

As I sat there, wet hair being combed and snipped, it struck me that the last time I’d been here — in late May — Mum was alive and healthy. How can so much change in between two hair cuts?

People ask me how I am — and I know they mean it. I say that I’m mostly OK. I mostly am. There are moments, lots of them, when my thoughts collide with reality. My counselor says I’m still in shock. It doesn’t feel like it. So how will I know when I’m out of shock?

I tend to get saddest at night, before bed. Perhaps because the day is finally quiet and I have time to do more than go from one activity to the next. I started crying the other evening and Adam held me and said something to the effect of, “You haven’t cried in a few days, so this is probably good.”

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m supposed to talk about Mum or not to other people. Today I’m wearing a shirt she bought me. A coworker complimented it and I mentioned it was from my mum. Then wondered if I should. But then I remembered that it’s only a terribly sad thing for me. At most it might make someone else feel a bit awkward, if they don’t quite know how to react. I’m not always sure how it will make me feel, to talk about her. Sometimes it feels warm, sometimes hollow.

A better answer to how I am is that I miss her every moment, ever day, but most of the time I deal with it all right. Some moments are harder than others: Duncan’s birthday (which I was sure she’d still be here for), getting my haircut and realizing my hair dresser knows nothing of how my life has changed in a short interval, holding Berry while she cries, loudly missing her Nanny.

Duncan now possesses the incredible ability at age not-quite-six to carrying on lengthy text message conversations with me. They even make sense. I haven’t been in touch with the kids this visit as much as I have in prior ones and I miss them lots. Yet I respect their need to have a relationship with their Dad independent of me and want to give them the space for that to exist. Plus, when Berry misses you, she prefers to ignore you. It’s easier for her.

I’ve been back to work on and off over the last couple of weeks – about 2 days each week. It’s exhausting right now. But it’s also good to get back into the swing of things. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage when I’m working full time and have kids full time. While I miss them, having a break has also given me some space in my head and quiet time to begin to sort things out.

My first flight (of three) is boarding, so I’ll dutifully wait in line. Perhaps other airports will have power and free WiFi, too.

At Mum’s memorial service, Christopher told a story about her ability to hold onto things for years.

He used the example of yarn that she used in an airplane sweater that she knitted for him as a child. She carried that yarn all the way from England, to Barbados, to several houses in Florida all the way to Oregon over the years. And she used those same balls of yarn for the same sweater pattern thatbshe made for his son, her grandson last year.

I now have that yarn in my garage. I may need it for a sweater for my grandchildren…

My story about Mum holding onto things is about her curtain rod. It hung in her bedroom in England. It travelled to Florida, by way of Barbados to hold up her bedroom curtains for years. Then it came to Oregon, where it fit none of her windows, yet she still kept it.

And now? Now it’s in my car, the very last of her things to empty out from her house. It’s clean and vacant in there now. I said goodbye for one last time and shut the door. Time to go home, unload and see if it the blasted curtain rod fits in Berry’s room, where Mum’s curtains, that I made for her from bed sheets, now hang.